Monday, May 3, 2010

Just When I Think I'm Hanging in There...

... I realize that it's only by a thread.

If you haven't read some of my earlier posts you may not know that my husband and I are trying to conceive. I don't really like to post about it much because it's kind of private (and I don't want people giving me annoying advice about how much they *understand* when they've never been in my situation).

ANYWAY. Recently a friend of mine thought she had a miscarriage. Turns out that she had an ectopic... and she and her husband are devastated. I am devastated FOR them! It's just so sad. I have been praying for them to heal and find peace. I shared briefly with my mom about their heartache because I knew that she would care and would want to pray for them as well. She ended up buying this book to send to them.


I decided to read it before I sent it off to my friend to make sure that it was appropriate since my mom hadn't read it before purchasing it. I kind of read through it fast, since I wanted to get it mailed out to my friend... but it really put a lot of things in perspective for me. If you are a Christian (or even if you aren't) and are struggling with Infertility, Miscarriage and/or Adoption Loss.. I would encourage you to pick up this book! It was nice to actually be able to relate to someone in a way that didn't make me feel like I was just "being ridiculous" or "impatient". It made me feel sort of normal in my struggles with not being able to conceive.

On another note though... having learned of my friend's unfortunate situation... there is a part of me that is afraid to get pregnant... because I don't want her to feel badly. I know that it is really out of my hands, however I don't know if I could shake that feeling of guilt if it were to happen. I suppose it's a moot point since I'm not pregnant... but it still hangs there in the back of my mind.

Today has been a particularly hard day for me in general on this topic... mainly because I logged into Facebook this morning to see that a number of my FB "Friends" have uploaded baby/kid pics and there was even a pregnancy announcement on someone's status update. So many days I keep hanging on for dear life not to lose control... and then it all just comes crashing in on me and I'm lost in a mix of emotions. Sadness that I'M not the one announcing pregnancy or posting baby pics... but also frustration that I am letting it get to me SO much. I wish there was an ON/OFF switch because trust me... that switch would be OFF faster than you can say "pathetic"! (Some days that's how I feel)

And I just can't stay off Facebook since I'm addicted to SCRABBLE! lol

On a happier note... tomorrow is our baby Boo's 4th birthday!
(From her bday a couple yrs ago)


  1. I, too, am really looking forward to you getting pregnant and sharing in all the fun that comes along with it, with you.

    I know I don't understand the feelings of infertility...but I have hurt when I lost my first child due to an ectopic. I know how it feels to lose and to hurt and to desire something immensely.

  2. What a heartfelt - and heart wrenching - post. My sincerest prayers are with you and your friend. Keep hanging in there, Nen!

    And thanks for recommending that book.

  3. I don't really know what to say, because I haven't experienced what you have, but I will say this: you will be in my prayers and I hope you are pregnant soon. *hugs*

  4. hi love! you need to get your mind off of it just for 20 minutes let's say. you need to ease up on it. try this. sit down and think of all the words that bring you joy that start with a, then b,then c. this is a great way to get your mind off of it so that what you want can come your way. why do you think i am on a abc rampage on my bloggedy blog blog

  5. I'm glad the book was what I had hoped it would be. I just did a quick overview. I pray it helps your friend as well.

    I appreciate your sensitivity when you think about how your friend might feel when you get pregnant. To this day, I struggle around friends who I know have ached for children but never had them and I am so involved in my children's and grandchildren's lives. It's also difficult to see so many people who take their children for granted, treat them horribly or just don't pay much attention to them. Yet they have more... It's difficult to understand, yet I know there's a "bigger picture" that we can't see.

    I think it speaks of the strength of women and men who are struggling with infertility of miscarriage when they can tuck their pain aside and still love on the children of others.

    Be patient, Devon... Relax, let go.. and trust. I love you and Cory both! Oh... and Boo! LOL!!


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