Thursday, March 6, 2008

Real People, Real Friends.

Work was crazy today. It was just an odd day all around with so much going on. Luckily... my coworker, Cathy, helped me out most of the day. I am trying to teach her some Shipping stuff now... since I'll be taking a day off in April (for my dad's birthday so I can make him lunch and dinner.. and peanut butter pie! mmm mmm good!). Anyway, she is learning... and its such a breath of fresh air to have her around! I get along well with my other coworkers... but she is always so bubbly and cheery. We always laugh about something or other. We work in the "shop" part of our facility. Actually, it's hard to explain... but I guess the best way to put it is that I have my own office in a separate building from the main office. My office is in the Welding Shop... so I share a building with 75 or so men. Luckily I have my own nuker and refrigerator so I don't have to share that. (Although I must point out that I am disappointed in some of those guys!! I was selling candy bars in the lunch room to help support my brother-in-laws mission trip to Romania this summer... and a NUMBER of them were stolen. UGH!). Anyway... the women's restroom is in this shop... and I have to walk past a bunch of guys to get there. Man, do I hate that. I feel like they watch me... and know just when I come and go.. and how long I'm in there! LOL! It hasn't been so bad now that Cathy is around... and I try to ignore the guys.. but there have been instances that i've come out of the restroom and one of the guys waited for me to walk past.... and "ZZZZZZIIRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"--he pressed the lever on his grinder so that it would scare me (which it DID) as I walked past. *sigh* Well, these nerds have also taken to using the women's restroom. It was "locked" for a long time... but you could get in using a nickel. Well someone messed with it... and made the lock all funky and now you have to use a penny. Today, I had not gone in there... and Cathy came into my office in a huff because when she went in... the toilet was running like it'd just been flushed. This is a double stalled bathroom.. but STILL! We constantly go in to a "messy" restroom after night shift has been using it at their leisure. We definitely don't want to take the risk of a guy walking in there while we're in there!!! That would be horrible! We'd asked a number of times before if we could get a REAL lock with REAL keys. Finally, after realizing that DAYSHIFT guys were going in there... a lock was ordered and should be in tomorrow. I mean, even though there are stalls... ummmm... I don't want some random guy in the bathroom when I am in there! Totally inappropriate! Anywho... so, that made our day interesting, I guess. I also had a short heart to heart with Cathy and Bill (the one forklift driver who shares my office). I mentioned before about this book I am reading.... and I read more last night and it really spoke to me AGAIN. So I was telling them a little about it and some of the things it has made me think about. They were a little confused... so I explained how for me, I believe that a lot of times I get "anxious" or "depressed" because I am trying to please people... I am distressed that the things I desire in my life haven't come to be... and how ya know... my grandma, whom I love dearly, has made numerous comments about how my one cousin became a pastor, and my other cousin is off doing other things and graduated from college... and another is in college... and my sister has a family and when I think back to it, I realize how much it bothers me that she doesn't seem to think I have done anything worth talking about. At least, she doesn't mention it to me. I mean, I have done things too.. I graduated high school--went to college for awhile and HATED it. So, I got jobs and paid for my own car (instead of having it GIVEN to me), I bought a house and a dog and two OTHER cars (I did get rid of one)... I volunteer EVERY weekend at The Scarlet Cord. I organized a community mural for our annual town festival. I am on the pastor search committee at my church, the board of christian ed., the fellowship committee. I organized the ladie's Christmas party at work and instead of buying gifts for each other (since we all have MORE than enough)... I had everyone buy gifts for a mother and son who don't have a whole lot and really deserved a nice holiday. Not that I am trying to toot my own horn... I know we all do good things. But I guess there is part of me that feels like a failure because I didn't finish college, because I'm not married and I don't have kids. I am not a pastor or a pastor's wife. I'm just me. I live in a simple small town... with not a whole lot to offer. I like to make things and spend time with family (and Cory!!). I don't preach to the masses or even read my bible every day!! And it's not just because of my grandma. It's lots of things. I have lived in my sister's shadow my whole life. I feel like I've lived in my cousin's shadow too. I was always the ugly, fat one growing up... the guys always flocked to her. So I would have to do things or try to be something I'm not to make up for how crappy it made me feel. I know that it only matters what God thinks. It only matters that I live my life for him. It's not going to do me any good to linger on the other stuff... but for so long I have lived with the guilt of not being good enough... I honestly believe that it is programmed into my head. That's why it is so hard for me to pick myself up out of feeling low or anxious. I've trained my head and body to react this way because it's a defense mechanism. (I always have been a defensive person!) Even though I still have a long way to go, my prayer is that I am able to re-teach myself the right way of thinking, the right attitudes. I believe I can make it out of my suffering. I don't know how long it will take... but I know it can happen. If not in this life, I know that God promises it in the next! Wow, I really went off on that stuff... all to tell you that I really appreciate Cathy and Bill. Sometimes they drive me bonkers, but today, as I was sort of explaining this stuff briefly to them... I choked up and started to cry as I was telling them. And I could see the look in Bill's eyes that he couldn't believe that I felt this way. And Cathy hugged me and they both reassured me that I don't need to worry about what others think of me. That I'm just fine the way I am. Neither one of them even graduated highschool! Not that it makes me any better than them... but they wanted me to know that I wasn't a failure. And Cathy had a kid when she was 17.... and said that if she knew then what she knows now, she probably would've waited till she was almost 30 to have a kid. That surprised me. Not that she doesn't love her 3 kids... but she said that she put them through hell... and they didn't deserve it. The encouraged me that if I wanted to be married and have a family... I could... but they thought that I was doing the right thing by trying to straighten myself out before making those decisions. So many people rush into things. SO... it's been a heck of a day. As much as I don't want to be at my job... I guess it's a good thing that God's brought these people into my life. I believe that they are the type of people that no matter where I go in life, I can always count on them. Even if I hadn't seen them in 15 years and needed something... I could count on them to be there. I appreciate that. They're real.


  1. It's nice to have someone you can count on.

    People don't talk about the person they are talking too. Your grandmother probably says very nice things about you to the people she talks to you about. It helped me a lot when we were doing the grandchildren comparison to remember that. There is another book called Total Forgiveness that I would recommend to you. It was amazing for me.

    I was a total mess when I got married but my husband told me all of the time how great he thought I was and eventually it mostly didn't matter about what others thought.

    From working in a truck shop I totally get the bathroom thing.

  2. oh thought you lived in my shadow?? are you kidding? I always thought you were the pretty one and all the guys liked you. You have made much better decisions in your life than I have previously. You never ever lived in my shadow to me. I am so sorry you have felt that way. :(

  3. My son as born when I was 17, like your friend Cathy. I don't feel as though I've been putting my kids through hell for being born to a young parent - I actually think I'm a very good parent to them. Even so - If I could have the same children I have today when I am say... 27, I would do it over. It would just make things a little more simple if I already owned a house, already had a stabilized career, already had a really supportive group of friends. Having kids makes it much harder to do those things.

  4. ooh... oops... i wasn't meaning for the comment about cathy having her first child at 17 as being a negative thing. she said that she put her kids through hell because she was always so stressed out and would take it out on them (yelling, etc.). she didn't marry the most motivated guy and she supported their family of 5 with two full time jobs--and she just wasn't a happy person. i think she was just saying to me that if she would've known how stressful her life was going to be, she would've waited--because she, personally, wasn't ready for a family... and she was encouraging me that i was doing the right thing, waiting. sorry if that came out as a dig! i didn't mean it to!!

  5. No, no, I definately didn't think you were being negative... I was just sharing my thoughts. I too, think waiting can be a great thing. If you can plan, then plan!

  6. Devon, I'm sure the guys do look when you walk by ... you are a cutie!

    I understand how you are feeling. I, too, have had feelings of inadequacy compared to others around me who are high achievers in the world's view of things. But each of us is made by the Creator to be special and unique. We all have a plan to fulfill.

    My sister and brother-in-law have their doctorates. They pastor a large church and my sister is now returning to school to be a pharmacist. Success in the world's eyes, and in mine too as long as their are fulfilling their calling.

    I, on the other hand, am a stay at home mom. I became pregnant while in college and never completed my studies. I spend a lot of time doing things that others may seem as menial, but I KNOW that it is MY calling. I am building God's kingdom in my own little way.

    When I read about the things that you are doing, I am truly amazed. I would be so proud if you were my daughter. Sounds to me like you're touching others more than you know.

    Just keeping looking to the Lord. Do the next thing according to His plan and know that you are being everything you are created to be! And that is just what we need to be ... no more ... no less.

    There will always be others to judge us. I have those who still feel I should return to college and complete my education. But I KNOW that my calling is here doing exactly what I'm doing. Even if I'm just cleaning the toilet for my family, I'll do it for the glory of God and it will be enough!

    Well I've rambled long enough, but it is from the heart. I will be praying for you!



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