Because He Lives...

I don't know how to link back to my old posts... but if you have read any of them... even as recent as Valentine's day... you'll know that I struggle with anxiety. I don't really want to call it depression, although I do seem to slip into a certain negative mode at times. But, I really think it's an overwhelming sense of fear and uncertainty... indecision.... and not really knowing how to handle it all. I let my mind get jumbled with so many things... that I just tend to be irritable and easily annoyed with most things. I have been reading this book that Cory got me for V-Day. It's called "Will Medicine Stop the Pain?". I started reading it when I first got it... but put it down because I didn't like some of what I was reading. Mainly, I believed what it was saying was true... and I didn't like the truth it was revealing about me. It hasn't gotten too in depth (I have been reading it again), but it talks about how there is nothing scientifically proven to say that there are chemical imbalances in our brains that can be corrected by medicine. I never knew that. I always just assumed that the things I'd heard along those lines were true. Made sense to me... a chemical imbalance---THAT's why I must feel so crazy at times. But, it went on to explain how people are so quick to pass the emotional distress off on things like chemical imbalances--that they never really tackle the root of the problem. I realize there are many different instances in people all over the place... and the book does say that there are definite medical problems that need to be treated in some people when it comes to depression, etc. But it has become so common today to try to treat other "depression-like" symptoms with medicine.... which in turn creates side effects--which turns into another diagnosis--and that means more meds, on and on and on. But, where are our hearts? Maybe God is allowing us to suffer because its the only way we'll draw closer to Him? Maybe it's because He has a purpose for our suffering--to be a help for someone else? God doesn't say that we are to live perfect, normal, care-free lives... there will be suffering. Some people suffer with physical ailments... others with emotional. We aren't always supposed to know the reasons for what we are going through. I have been taking a generic Zoloft medicine for awhile now. I deeply do not want to be on medication for anxiety. I also was taking something else--I don't even know what its called... but I ran out and never refilled the RX. I didn't just change my mind after reading this book (so far). I haven't wanted to be on medicine, ever. I feel like God led me to this book for a reason... to show me that I am not chemically imbalanced... that He wants me to not depend on the medicine and "cover up" my emotional pain. He wants me to draw close to Him and live through my suffering. Maybe one day it will get better, maybe it never will. Paul, in the bible, was constantly struggling and being oppressed... but he let his faith carry him through. It made him even more faithful and grow closer to God. I want to be closer to God. I don't want to suffer this "unknown" emotional pain that I am so often plagued by. I need to get to the root of the problem. What's the root?? I don't know yet. Part of the reason why I stopped reading that book for a little bit was because I didn't want to admit that there was a deeper problem. Part of me just wanted to be chemically imbalanced and "fixed" by medicine. I feel like the doors are being opened to me... and probably have been for awhile... to try to understand why I often feel the way I do. I just have let myself be blind to those things and have tried to ignore it. Today at church... we sung the chorus... "Because He Lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He Lives, all fear is gone. Because I know, He holds the future... Life is worth the living, just because HE LIVES." What a familiar tune... and I've sung it so many times before. But today... today it really hit me. What am I doing singing this song? I don't live those words out in my own inner-self. I know its true. But I am singing this song without being true to what I am singing. I started to tear up with the realization that I NEED to be able to sing that song and MEAN it. I have been living in fear for so long. Fear of the future! How can I sing this song... praise God... and still live every day in fear of what tomorrow will bring, what next week will bring, what next year will bring?? I have labeled myself a hypocrite. I stopped singing when I started to choke up... and decided that the next time I sing that song... I will sing it with my full heart and mean every single word. I'm not going to lie to God... he already knows my heart... But I need Him to help me get to the root of my problem(s). For now I sing:

Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I'm Your friend

You are my desire
No one else will do
'Cause nothing else could take Your place
To feel the warmth of Your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to You

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near

Thank you for letting me share this with you.