Wednesday, January 2, 2008

A blast from the past...

So, yesterday I went with my mom, aunt and niece to visit my great grandma in an assisted living place. It was about an hour away... and I wasn't feeling too great. It was important to me to take the trip though.. great grandma is giong to be 93 tomorrow! I haven't seen her in quite awhile. So... we drove down. When we got there, grandma had hockey on with the volume full blast. We came in and showed her the birthday cake we'd gotten her and pulled out some chairs. I shouldn't have been surprised, but she was practically skin and bones. 84 pounds is what they said she weighed. I think I weighed that much in elementary school!!! I was saddened to see the conditions she was living in. She doesn't like to go to the "common area" where the other people gather because they watch The Beverly Hillbillies and she doesn't like the music (lol... luckily she has a TV in her room)... but worse than that, there is an old man that lives there as well and he will follow her around. She said that she can't even sit down because he will come and sit RIGHT next to her... and "pass gas", to put it nicely. *sigh* So she sits in her room. A number of times she wanted to know what time it was... and when my mom told her "3:20"... she was upset because she had to wait so long till it was bed time. We didn't get to eat any cake because grandma wanted to save it for everyone for dessert later on. (We were SO looking forward to cake!!) She seems to like her roomie, Sonny, though. Grandma was so worried that there wouldn't be enough room for Sonny's wheelchair to get past us!! We were sitting there (after about 2 hours of visiting) and Sonny wheeled up but saw that we were there and didn't want to intrude... and grandma turned in her chair and called after her, "They were just leaving!" Then she turned back to us and told us that we were leaving (it was a half ask/half tell) and that we were to tell Sonny to come in on our way out. Haha. It was a bit comical... but at the same time it kind of made me sad that it won't be too long before she won't be around to visit anymore. She got a little weepy when we were saying goodbye. I may go back down on Sunday to visit her with my dad. We'll see. Yesterday brought back to mind all of my anxieties about the past and the future. I was reminded of my youth and visits to great grandma and grandpa's house (I remember the Christmas that they got us Batons!). Then I was reminded of great grandpa passing away. It made me think of all of the times I should have gone to see them... or other members of my family. There were pictures of my niece from when she was 1 and 1/2 or so... and now she is 6 1/2!! I am just too emotional, I guess. Part of me keeps thinking about living for today and not dwelling on the past. But then I was talking to my cousin this afternoon about my wedding (which isn't official... we aren't even engaged)... and I started feeling anxious about the future. If you are a praying person, please pray for me. I have struggled with anxiety for a long time. I always just thought I was depressed... But I read this awesome book by M. Blaine Smith called THE YES ANXIETY (anyone with commitment and anxiety issues should read it!)... and it really brought to light what I was going through and what caused it, that I wasn't a weirdo and that it was really important to change my mindset. I think maybe, instead of the usual "lose weight" New Year Resolution... I should resolve myself to STOP THE ANXIETY. I can't let every day go by with a racing heart and stress! I can't let things that are supposed to be enjoyable (like visiting my great grandma) haunt me with regret and guilt. It is so important to live each day as a NEW DAY. I can't stress that enough... if only I could figure out how to do that myself. That's what the prayer is for, I guess.

1 comment:

  1. Wow..grandma does look so tiny. I am glad you guys got to go visit with her though.

    I will be praying for you devon! :)
    You know what I think? Instead of focusing on the past and getting stressed about so much that you can't control..that maybe you should try focusing on things you can control. Like...focusing on your purpose on this Earth. God has you here for a reason and maybe if you are focusing on that more....the rest won't seem so dismal and stressful. You can't go back to the past..only move forward ...and if you continue to dwell in the will never enjoy the present. That is not what God wants for your life at all!

    Love ya! :)


Thanks for stopping by! I love to hear what you have to say!