I am one of those people who looks in the mirror and sees thighs that are too big, a stomach that is too round, boobs that could really use a reduction and let's face it... a double chin. Despite whether I can wear a size 8 pair of jeans... (because honestly, I still fit into that other pair of 12's too)... or the fact that I weigh 150 lbs. (pre-pregnancy). I still always just see fat.
When I was trying to get pregnant, I would tell myself that I would accept whatever may come if I could JUST carry a baby. I was annoyed at those pregnant women who would complain about looking like a beached whale. I always just thought they should be happy that they had a life growing inside of them...
Up until my last appointment in mid-august or so... I had only gained 4.5 lbs my whole pregnancy (4.5 months). I won't lie... I felt pretty darn good about that. I heard stories of people who gained 15-20 lbs in their first trimester... so I was off to a pretty good start! I had it in the bag! No matter that I felt bigger... I mean, how can you NOT feel bigger with all of the changes going on? But that 4.5 lbs was my marker of achievement!
Today, I went into the doctor's office and stepped on the scale only to be blown away by the number. I have gained 11 lbs since my LAST appointment. That's only a little over a month!!!
It was all I could do to keep it together. And I didn't do that very well.
When the doctor came in... she was like "Whoa!!! That's a lot of weight since your last appointment! You don't want to have to have a C-section!"
I could feel the lump in my throat start to choke me.
How could I let this happen? I felt like such a failure.
Of course, I lost it. Not uncontrollably... but I told her that I was really disappointed in myself. And that I've struggled with my weight my whole life.
We talked about needing to be healthy... but NOTHING tastes good to me. I had a brief reprieve from heartburn for a couple of weeks... but it's starting to come back with avengence. The only semi-relief I have are carbs. I KNOW I've been eating crap... but breads and pastas (ok, and pop tarts... UGH) don't give me that flare of acid that makes me so miserable. I can't eat pineapple or oranges... orange juice, sauces, salsa... even strawberries give me heartburn!
It's no excuse, I know... there are plenty of other foods out there that are healthy... but it's also about motivation. I have been so tired... the last thing I want to do is prepare vegetables for snacks or take the dog for a walk. So, I just don't.
And now I'm paying for it.
I am beyond disappointed in myself... but after calling Cory, I feel a bit better. I am so thankful to have a husband that is willing to work with me! We are going to work together to put our grocery list together with healthy foods... and try to come up with healthy recipes that we'll both enjoy.
Even though I don't feel quite like a "beached whale"... I honestly still don't feel that "big"... I am struggling with body image. It's not as easy as I thought it would be to have the right attitude... but today has been a wake up call. As frustrated as I am in my choices, I am so thankful that the baby is healthy... and now I am determined that we'll both be healthy!
It's not going to be easy.
If anyone has any healthy recipes, I'd greatly appreciate it!