I am one of those people who looks in the mirror and sees thighs that are too big, a stomach that is too round, boobs that could really use a reduction and let's face it... a double chin. Despite whether I can wear a size 8 pair of jeans... (because honestly, I still fit into that other pair of 12's too)... or the fact that I weigh 150 lbs. (pre-pregnancy). I still always just see fat.
When I was trying to get pregnant, I would tell myself that I would accept whatever may come if I could JUST carry a baby. I was annoyed at those pregnant women who would complain about looking like a beached whale. I always just thought they should be happy that they had a life growing inside of them...
Until today.
Up until my last appointment in mid-august or so... I had only gained 4.5 lbs my whole pregnancy (4.5 months). I won't lie... I felt pretty darn good about that. I heard stories of people who gained 15-20 lbs in their first trimester... so I was off to a pretty good start! I had it in the bag! No matter that I felt bigger... I mean, how can you NOT feel bigger with all of the changes going on? But that 4.5 lbs was my marker of achievement!
Today, I went into the doctor's office and stepped on the scale only to be blown away by the number. I have gained 11 lbs since my LAST appointment. That's only a little over a month!!!
It was all I could do to keep it together. And I didn't do that very well.
When the doctor came in... she was like "Whoa!!! That's a lot of weight since your last appointment! You don't want to have to have a C-section!"
I could feel the lump in my throat start to choke me.
How could I let this happen? I felt like such a failure.
Of course, I lost it. Not uncontrollably... but I told her that I was really disappointed in myself. And that I've struggled with my weight my whole life.
We talked about needing to be healthy... but NOTHING tastes good to me. I had a brief reprieve from heartburn for a couple of weeks... but it's starting to come back with avengence. The only semi-relief I have are carbs. I KNOW I've been eating crap... but breads and pastas (ok, and pop tarts... UGH) don't give me that flare of acid that makes me so miserable. I can't eat pineapple or oranges... orange juice, sauces, salsa... even strawberries give me heartburn!
It's no excuse, I know... there are plenty of other foods out there that are healthy... but it's also about motivation. I have been so tired... the last thing I want to do is prepare vegetables for snacks or take the dog for a walk. So, I just don't.
And now I'm paying for it.
I am beyond disappointed in myself... but after calling Cory, I feel a bit better. I am so thankful to have a husband that is willing to work with me! We are going to work together to put our grocery list together with healthy foods... and try to come up with healthy recipes that we'll both enjoy.
Even though I don't feel quite like a "beached whale"... I honestly still don't feel that "big"... I am struggling with body image. It's not as easy as I thought it would be to have the right attitude... but today has been a wake up call. As frustrated as I am in my choices, I am so thankful that the baby is healthy... and now I am determined that we'll both be healthy!
It's not going to be easy.
If anyone has any healthy recipes, I'd greatly appreciate it!
It's hard to eat healthy, especially when everything gives you heartburn! I've been trying to eat better because of getting my blood sugar in order, so I know it's a long hard road. But I'm sure you'll do great! :)
ReplyDeleteAw :( Don't be so hard on yourself. I knew someone who gained a bunch in the beginning and then only gained a pound or two in the end so that she never topped out past 20 lbs. Be forgiving. Your body is GOING to change. Those people who gain next to nothing and walk away from it looking just about the same as before they got preggie are the exception not the rule. Rarely do any of us "do as good as we should". That's reality. Should you sit down and eat two gallons of ice cream per night...no, but you already know that. You have enough to worry about...don't overly fret about this! 11 lbs at this point in your pregnanacy is hardly worth the doc even commenting about. Personally I think the OB made too big of a deal about it.
ReplyDeleteDon't be dissapointed in yourself. Its hard not to, I know, I've soooo been there, but- take this from a woman whos had 3 kids. You'll have the rest of your life to lose it.
ReplyDeleteYou. Are. Beautiful.
Oh Momma, I understand how you feel,
ReplyDeleteand I promise you're your own worst enemy here.
Eat what you've got to eat to get by, and worry about losing it after that little baby gets here!
Devon...do *not* beat yourself up! You are absolutely beautiful! And...first of all ~ you have a child in your womb. It's good to gain a bit. 2nd...some of it could just be water weight. 3rd....you look fantastic.
ReplyDeleteYou get so hung up on weight...and being cautious *is* good...but you are just way too hard on yourself. You are a healthy woman and you are just fine. I promise.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. ~Proverbs 31:30
God loves you just how you are...He knows your struggles and wants you to quit obsessing over it. Give it to Him, be wise with your eating decisions (like you already are) and don't watch the numbers. Just trust that He has you in the palm of His hand and will carry you through. I know all about the weight battle and I am trying to honor Him through eating better and healthier. But you are *more* than whatever your weight is, my sweet sister. I love you. Please don't let this steal joy from you...enjoy this pregnancy. xo
*And* I just wanted to tell you that I am sitting here, choking up...I wish you could see *you* how I see you! Please, please don't let this steal your joy!!! xo
ReplyDeleteDon't be disappointed in yourself, everyone's body works differently and yours is no different. A lot of people gain more weight in the beginning of pregnancy. Right now just focus on the little miracle inside of you and keeping yourself happy and healthy. You'll have all the time in the world to lose weight (and chasing around a lil kiddo all day long certainly helps!)
ReplyDeleteWhy did your doctor bring up a c-section about gaining weight? That sounds rude of her. I really wouldn't worry about it too much! You hardly gained so far. I guess just see what happens by the next appt, it might have been a "growth" spurt month, and maybe won't happen at the next one! I started pregnancy overweight and my midwife never gave me a hard time about it.
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry the appt bummed you out though. :(