Saturday, November 1, 2008

It's not going to be easy.

Last night... I must've had some kind of bug. I had the chills and my stomach was in knots--just twisting and turning. It was awful. I actually put a big bowl beside my bed just in case I woke up to puke. I actually woke myself up gagging at one point. It was NOT fun. Finally, I just laid hands on my stomach and prayed out loud to God that I wasn't going to claim this bug that was churning in my stomach and I prayed in Jesus' Name. The pain stopped. God is good!!! I slept through the night. This morning I woke up feeling better - but there was still a part of me worried that I had a bug. I had plans to take my grandma with me to the mall and my worrisome mind kept wondering if I was going to be OK to take her. I knew it would mean a lot for her to get out (without my grandpa---they need time apart because they are together 24/7)... so I really didn't want to miss it. My stomach still ached a little... but I never actually got "sick". So... My niece and I picked up my grandma (who has alzheimers) and drove to the next town over to get lunch with my sis and mom and nephew. It was a little crazy. Grandma gets confused so easily. Lunch stressed me. I am not used to being out with 2 lively kids (although they are GOOD kids) and my grandma who can't think straight. Then, our waitress was NOT a very good waitress. She messed up a lot of stuff. I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt because maybe she was having a bad day or something - but it was pretty crappy service. After lunch, my niece and I took my grandma to a store. I didn't realize that it was the first time she had been out shopping in about 2 years!!!! At least that's what she said. And when I really thought about it... I think she was right! She pushed the cart around and we went through the aisles of clothes. She would look at things and pick them up... but she had no idea how to tell size. She would look at the tags but not understand the S, M, L, etc. She would look at price tags and get flustered. I put something in the cart... and a few minutes later she would ask where it came from and why it was there and I would have to remind her that it was the item I'd just picked up. Then she would say "Oh, that's right!" I don't know if she really meant it and remembered it... I really don't know. I was so stressed. I WANT to spend time with her and I know its important for her to get out of the house and the blaring TV (my grandpa's escape from it all)... but I just couldn't handle it. I was watching a 7 year old and a 70-some year old. I wanted to help her read the tags and prices... but I also had things I needed to get. It was just so emotionally draining. I KNOW she has this condition... disease... whatever it is... but it is SO hard to see her out of her element. I kept wondering if it was a good idea to take her since she seemed to get so flustered.... but at the same time... I know that she goes crazy and gets bored being at home all of the time. She needs to talk to people and stimulate her mind... but after my bout of stomach issues and not getting to sleep right away, etc... I was pooped. I admit... I snapped at my niece a few times. More than a few actually. She wasn't really doing anything wrong... she would just say or do things that ANY little girl would say or do... but I felt like I was being so sensitive to my grandma that what she was saying only confused her. I just needed her to hush, ya know? After being in the store about 2 hours... we headed to the check out. She got so flustered with her money... so I paid for everything and then she paid me back when we got in the car. We drove back and I dropped her off... and it was a relief. I WANT to spend time and make memories. I know she may not remember them one day as things progress with her deteriorating mind... but I will and that's important to me. When I went home... I took my niece in and we got ready to leave for the teen center (that's where I am now)... and I just started to cry. It was so hard seeing my grandma being so confused and not being able to control her mind. And I also felt guilty for snapping at my niece. She doesn't understand what my grandma is going through and I wouldn't expect her to. I apologized to her for my behavior. I tried to explain myself in a simple way and tell her that I love her. It's all just so overwhelming. I don't know much about alzheimers... but from what I understand it can progress very rapidly. My family could all really use your prayers in dealing with what is to come. It's scary and sad...

I am not going to be able to see Cory until Friday... so that stinks. He is going to a football game with friends tomorrow and then has to go on a business trip Monday and Tuesday... and is busy Wednesday. I'm not sure about Thursday.... but it kinda stinks. Luckily I have him to lean on with all of this stuff with my grandma. He went through it with his grandpa a number of years ago.

I am off for now... don't forget to turn back your clock!!


  1. HI! You just stopped by my blog, The Stone Rabbit, and left a sweet comment--thank you! I just had to see you place, too! I read on your sidebar that "Raised in Cotton" is one of your favorite blogs. What a small world----I live in Independence, MO and their shop is in Raymore, MO--not too far from us. I visited their store shortly after it opened and have shopped their booth at a local flea market. Their items are very unique and vintage.
    I was so sad to read your posts about your grandmother. It is so hard for the family to watch their loved one fail mentally--I have found it to be harder than to see them lose their physical health. You are such a great gr. daughter to take time to spend with her. You are right---even if she doesn't remember your times together--YOU do and YOU know you are doing the right thing. It was so nice to visit you---and that happened because you took the time to leave a sweet comment. I hope your week turns out to be a great one. Dana of The Stone Rabbit

  2. Have you heard of the book "What's Happening to Grandpa"? by Maria Shriver? I read this to my daughter when she was about the same age as your niece and it helped her with why her nannie was acting the way she was. (My mom). It's okay to helps. The most important thing is to enjoy your times with her, and remember that while she may not remember them, she will enjoy them while you are with her. If you ever need anyone to talk to, or vent to...I'm a good listener. I was an only child who went through this with my mom. My email is on my blog.
    Take care...and if you can, locate that may also help you!


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