Saturday, April 10, 2010

Some days I feel FREE.

Before I was married, I was working full time at a very demanding job. I enjoyed parts of it... other parts of it, I loathed. But two days before I walked down the aisle, I worked my last day at a job I had known for 5 and a half years. That job, volunteering, church and Cory were my life. When Cory and I got home from our honeymoon (to Scotland!) I felt odd. I was free! I didn't HAVE to get up at 4:30 or 5 in the morning to head to a job every day. I had moved an hour away from my volunteering and church activities, so those things were put on hold for the most part. I was left to get my house in order and... well... I almost didn't know what to do with myself!! It was great! But it felt odd at the same time.

Cory and I planned to start trying for a family right off the bat. I knew a little about the way a woman's cycle worked... and pretty much thought I would be pregnant within a couple of months or so. I spent my time cleaning, cooking, yard work, reading, etc. I was soaking up the seemingly endless hours of my days until Cory came home from work.... and just waiting for the good news of a positive test. June, July, August....

September, October, November.

As the months passed, I found myself feeling like I was just going through the motions. That "freedom" I had so relished in the first few months of marriage started closing in on me. I had some projects for Christmas to keep me somewhat busy... but the snow came and I was cooped up in the house... hoping each month that it would be THE month. I stopped feeling free. I started feeling TRAPPED.

6 months I had been staying at home, expecting to be EXPECTING. But I wasn't.

If I am being totally honest with you, I started feeling like a failure. Inadequate. Less of a woman. I can't say that I slipped into a depression... but each month got harder for me emotionally. Cory did his best to comfort me. I'm thankful for that.

In December, I decided to order the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". I got it for 18 cents on Amazon (plus shipping) and immediately began reading. I couldn't believe all of the information about a woman's cycle I never knew! They don't teach you that stuff in Sex Ed... although maybe they should. I realized that I was living by the 28 day myth. Not every woman's cycle is 28 days... so obviously ovulation doesn't occur on day 14 for everyone. I sort of knew that... but I always tried to count back on the calendar and basically convinced myself that I was "normal" with a 28 day cycle. Boy, was I wrong! I printed out the chart from the website and decided that at the new year, I'd begin charting my Basal Body Temps. If you don't know much about it, you should not be discouraged--you should get the book!!

For the first time in months, I felt hope.

Of course, I knew that I couldn't expect immediate results since I was just starting out and getting used to the whole thing.... but I still hoped. Three and a half months later, I've got the charting down... but still no BFP (Big Fat Positive).

I can tell you, it's hard. It's hard to see friends and relatives, even people I don't know, pregnant or having babies. There is this part of me that aches inside. I haven't really posted about it until now because I haven't wanted to seem "weak" or "unhappy"--because the truth is, I AM happy and I'm not weak. I'm human.

I take each day as it comes.

I decided that instead of waiting and waiting... and waiting... to turn our 2nd bedroom into a nursery, I would turn it into my craft/sewing room. I had the idea one day after looking at some great blogs with pictures of their organized spaces. I tossed the idea around for a couple of days. I mentioned it to Cory. But I couldn't bring myself to start the transformation (if that's what you can call it.. haha!). I felt like the minute I started to rearrange and organize that room... I was giving up. Even though I was still charting and "trying"... setting up that room as a craft room instead of a nursery felt to me like I was losing hope. I struggled with that.

But I prayed.

And even though I was sick with a horrible cold, I started the project. Organizing fabrics and notions, stationery, books, cds, etc. I moved around furniture to a semi-acceptable state (the room is shaped weird, so it's a tough fit)... but I made it happen. And you know what? I didn't feel like I was giving up on a baby. I felt like I was living my life. And that was... and is OK. Since then, I have been enjoying sewing almost every day in that room (all the while, listening to Glenn Beck on the radio... WOOT!).

I am slowly learning, through prayer and I guess, experience... that my time line can't dictate my life. It is so easy to lose my focus. To feel inadequate. To feel like I'm not fulfilling my purpose in life because I don't have a child... (one of the number one desires of my heart). But God's plan is perfect and I need to TRUST in Him.

Lately, I've been starting to feel that freedom creep back in... and boy does it feel good.

I encourage you, if you are struggling with infertility (or anything, for that matter).... Pray. And if you don't know how to pray or what to pray, send me an email. I will pray for you. I'll talk to you. I know I'm not one of those people who has tried for YEARS and YEARS... but that doesn't make my situation any less important... and neither is yours.


  1. Devon,

    I have found myself in a place where I needed to read these words, so thank you. One of my friends proudly announced the sex of their unborn baby, and all I could do was cry and wallow in my bitterness and jealousy over not being in the same scenario.

    For us, pregnancy is something that is still a long way away, since we'll have to use in vitro to prevent the baby from inheriting the muscular disease I have. But I understand what you're going through.

    Here's hoping that you and cory get your BPB (I'm loving this anagram lol) soon!

  2. Beautiful words, devon. I know how much you have struggled with this and as your sister...when you hurt, I hurt. You are completely right about God's timing. He knows what is best and sometimes that is hard to accept (I know from experience!)...but when He does decide the time is right...the joy you will have will be overflowing! :) I truly look forward to the day when you have the BFP!!!!! :)
    I love you! xo

  3. Thank you for sharing your struggles, that takes courage! You are in my prayers!


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